Messing with your head
by xAquaticFuryx
Summary: One little phone screw up, and Francis Bonnefoy suddenly finds a world of blackmail at his fingertips. Who would've guess having Alfred's phone could be so fun? Mild USUK, and heeeeavily implied Franada


Francis Bonnefoy could not decide if he should smile or scowl at his day's achievements. On the one hand, he had sealed an important deal with a certain American, and had managed to keep all parts of him body to himself the whole time. On the other hand, because he kept his hands to himself, it had been a solid 24 hours since the man had been laid.

The only thought that passed his mind, was that the British bastard better damn well appreciate this. He knew very well how much Arthur cared for his former colony, and Francis was enough of a gentleman to allow Arthur to have him. However, when in certain situations it certainly was hard to keep to one's self. Especially when you go to discuss an economic issue and the door is answered by a disheveled blonde wearing only his boxers and clutching his head.

When he arrived at the residence of Monsieur Jones, the blonde had answered only half-dressed, and clearly hung-over. Francis chose to make no comment, but have the younger man time to make himself presentable. And in that time Francis took a moment to make sure all was well with himself, and was perfectly fine by the time Alfred had returned. All had gone well with the meeting, with the exception of Francis's bag tearing and spilling his possessions on the ground.

But the previous events meant nothing to him now. The Frenchman walked to his living room, stopping to pour himself a glass of champagne. He didn't mind Alfred much, but being near him certainly took a lot out of him. All you could ever hear out of the boy's mouth was "Football this and baseball that and hamburger this…Not to mention every other word out of his mouth was he-

_ I can be your hero baby~_

Okay, where was that music coming from. That was just freaking weird.

_I can kiss away the pain~_

Cute, but still creepy. He checked under the couch. Nothing. He checked the table. Nothing.

_I will stand by you forever~_

That's nice, BUT WHERE THE CRAP WAS IT COMING FR-he noticed it was coming from his bag. Reaching in he pulled out the source of the noise. A cellular phone. But not his phone. This one was adorned with a tacky stars and stripes pattern and-

And the caller ID said he had a new text message from Arthur. Well, he was sure Alfred wouldn't mind if he read it. After all, what if Arthur was in trouble and was calling on a _hero_?

"**Oi. Gitface. Just an fyi, last night NEVER happened."**

Francis could not contain his amusement. Apparently something had happened last night between a certain Nation and his former child. And _oh, _it was something that his British friend seemed to regret. Wasn't this just delightful. He decided that since he had nothing better to do he was going to respond. Why not harass Sire Eyebrows?

_I have no idea what you mean, Arthur. What happened last night?_

After hitting send, the thought occurred to him that that didn't sound too much like Alfred. He'd have to try harder if Arthur were to believe that he actually was the American. However, he was curious as to what Arthur would say. A few moments later, that familiar tune chimed from the phone.

**You know very well what happened!!! And now, thanks to you, I'm never allowed in that mini-mart again!!!**

Okay he had to admit, Francis was really curious now. Clearly, if it involved a regretful Arthur, and a mini-mart, it was interesting. He thought carefully about what he thought Alfred would say to this.

_I dunno Iggy, I think it was fun!_

Yeah. That was a good response. That sounded more like Alfred. Two messages and already he was getting good at this. He thought of all the possibilities. He could do so much to mess with Arthur…revenge was within his reach. For every time Arthur had called him a frog, and a pervert and a hairy lunchlady gone bad…he could finally get payback.

**IT WAS NOT FUN!!! COMMON SENSE SHOULD SAY THAT WHEN IN A MINI-MART, ONE WOULD KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF AND OUT OF HIS COMPANION'S PANTS!!!**

The smile on Monsieur Bonnefoy's face grew. _Oh Alfred…_he thought to himself. _You're more my brother than you'll ever know…_He allowed himself a moment to chuckle. The image of that Brit screaming and upset because a certain boy stuck his hands in his trousers in public was just too precious. The look on Arthur's face was probably priceless. Francis would have been sorry he missed this, but he had other commitments last night. But now was not the time to think of what he did last night (well, more like _who_ he did). Now was a time to make Arthur Kirkland's life hell on earth.

_I don't know Iggy, you seemed to be enjoying it._

And send. Francis wished that he could go to Arthur's right now and see the look on the man's face when he received the message. It was bound to be funnier than the time he got drunk before a meeting, and everybody was confronted with a crazed British man running around in a pirate outfit. That reminded him-that video was due for youtube.

**I was DRUNK you git! I would've enjoyed have an insightful conversation about tomatoes with Lovino for christ's sake!**

Oh, this just got better and better. Not only did Arthur do something he regretted (with Alfred he might add) but he got drunk too. The blackmail material just kept arising, and Francis would file it all away in his head. He wondered if he should write the conversation down, save it in case he ever needed it in the future.

_Well you always HAVE been a lightweight. Like that time you drank some rum and then you started running around in your old pirate clothes!_

That was bound to get a strong reaction from the limey. Francis took a moment to put the phone down, and pick up his glass of champagne. If he didn't drink it soon, it would go flat. And champagne without bubbles was like Antonio without bubbles. Something was just wrong if either seemed flat.

Speaking of Antonio, him and Gilbert would probably enjoy hearing about this little incident. His first thought was to open his found and text them, then realizing he didn't have his phone. And that their phone numbers were not available to him. Oh dear. Looks like he'll just have to retail the story the next time they hang out. (Most likely tomorrow) Aha, the familiar sound of Enrique Iglesias filled the room.

**YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THAT YOU GIT. You know very well I have no control over those incidents…**

Francis smiled. He typed the next message without thinking, which may or may not have benefitted him in the long run.

_Like how you have no control over your eyebrow growth?_

Looking back, that was probably bound to start a fight. Francis felt a slight pang of guilt, knowing that Arthur would be upset, and naturally blame Alfred. He hoped that their entire relationship wasn't ruined by this. He wasn't that cruel of a man.

**YOU SHUT UP ABOUT MY EYEBROWS YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT.**

Then again, with fighting, comes angry make up sex. Maybe he wasn't being a totally heartless man after all.

_But they're so fluffy and cute! Like hamsters, except you don't need to feed them!!!_

Admittedly, that was a bit odd. But it got the point across. That seemed just strange enough that it could have come out of the American's mouth. And either way, it was bound to provoke an amusing reaction.

**WHAT!? That makes less sense than your usual senseless babble!!!**

Ooh, that was a bit cold. Then again, Arthur was always cold. It's how he shows his affection. But you can always tell that deep down, he doesn't mean a word he says. It's obvious that even though he throws every insult in the book at him, Arthur loves his little hero. He wondered how Arthur would feel if Alfred pointed that out to him.

"Well let's find out then…"

_I love you too Arthur (:_

Granted, saying such a thing probably wasn't okay. No matter how often you feud with somebody, toying with their heart just wasn't okay. But Francis was sure he'd be able to fix the situation should things get out of hand. And if things really went south, he could use his marriage mastership and get the two together. It isn't like either would really resist too much.

**You're such a wanker…**

Francis let put a sigh. The man was so predictable. He decided that he would make things interesting now. This was fun, but it was time to show Arthur a side of Alfred that he never even dreamt of.

_Only when I think about you ;)_

He added the wink as an after-thought. In all honesty, he had all the blackmail material he'd ever need; he didn't care if his identity was found out. So he might as well just do whatever he could now.

**!!!!!! You're a sick man, you know that!?**

Francis didn't even hesitate in responding.

_Oh, really? What do you think is wrong with me Doctor?_

Admittedly, he borrowed that from Antonio. But there was no copyright, he was allowed to use it if he wanted to! Besides, he had to admit that it was pretty suave.

**A lot of things are wrong with you. **

Throwing insults again? Well then.

_And yet you're still attracted to me. Interesting, no? _

He chose to ignore that he was slowly starting to sound more and more like himself, and less and less like Alfred. This was just too fun.

**You know what? That's it. I'm coming over there. **

Oh? Really well then-

WAIT A SECOND. Suddenly, Francis had that familiar feeling in his gut. He didn't know whether to smile or not. This clearly meant that his fun was over. But at the same time, Alfred will be getting a delightful surprise. Good for him.

But that didn't mean it was fair. It _wasn't _fair. Alfred was probably getting laid tonight, and he doesn't even know it yet. Ah yes, Francis was such a giver. He decided to wait a decent amount of time before his final response.

--

Alfred stared at the phone in his hand. He figured out quickly it wasn't his. Which meant it belonged to Francis. Well, he got a text message from "Mathieu". So he opened it, out of curiosity. What did it say?

_Francis, you left your pants laying at my house. You might wanna come get them, eh?_

Alfred wasn't sure how he felt about this. He was tempted to call his brother and ask him about this…whatever this happened to be. Just as he was punching the numbers into the phone, his front door slammed open.

"So, you think you can just say something like that to me and get away with it, do you git!?" He looked up to see Arthur storming towards him. And he had no idea what the man was rambling about. He didn't have much time to try and figure it out, considering within about 30 seconds Arthur was straddling him on the couch, his face mere centimeters away.

And then something vibrated. Arthur raised his eyebrows high, as it appeared the vibration came from Arthur's ass. Arthur scowled, and pulled out his phone. It said he had a new text message from…Alfred? But he was right…?

_Oh, by the way Angleterre, I hope you don't mind, but I was borrowing Alfred's phone for the day. Adieu, Francis~_

Arthur's jaw dropped. He wanted to scream. Oh, the next time he saw Francis he was going to rip the man limb from limb…

**I swear next time I see you I will rip your body to pieces and stuff it in a meat pie. Then spit in it.**

Alfred looked at Arthur, terribly confused. Arthur stormed out of the room, cursing loudly. Alfred sighed. He never could understand that man.

--

Francis received the threat and smiled. He had done it. He had really gotten into Arthur's head this time. Revenge was sweet. And now, he could celebrate with some fresh champagne. This was a day well spent.


End file.
